Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
