Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
home. puking in laundry basket.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
