"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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