We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize