I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
