I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
