remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
