Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
