I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
