Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The beer is more important than you right now.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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