We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
