3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize