Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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