i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
