went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
