Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
