my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
