I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
