I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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