Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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