While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
