Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
