it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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