from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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