This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
