I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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