Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
