I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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