its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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