Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
