Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
