she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
