I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
