You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
