something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
