My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize