I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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