Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
