I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We left the knife in your bed.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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