highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
