please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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