Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
