shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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