theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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