Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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