WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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