Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
