So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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