So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
