you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
