The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
