Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
