I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
