I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
